


wanting you is all i've known

by blue_green



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Canonical Character Death, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Secret Relationship, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:26:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24228064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_green/pseuds/blue_green
Summary: Steve is falling into the ice, these are his thought as he falls.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 10





	wanting you is all i've known

**Author's Note:**

> I became inspired when I listened to When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars. This fic is sad, that song makes me sad, so if you enjoy emotional torture go ahead and read because i don't why I wrote this. also I wrote this in like an hour, so if there are grammatical erros i apologize! also i'm guilty of overusing commas- it's a flaw, but it's necessary.

Another day, another day to get through. That was Steve’s thought every day since Bucky died. Everything felt wrong without him there. All the beds he sleeps in feel wrong like they’re missing a person, but that’s not exclusive to beds really. Everything feels wrong, because there is a person missing from his life. He used to share every aspect of his life with Bucky even when they were apart ‘cause of the war, and now he’s the one stuck living, he’d never thought he’d be the one alive. It was such an odd feeling, feeling like he lived way longer than he should have, like he was tempting fate, when the person who should be alive is stuck somewhere stuck in ice. Steve never thought he was suicidal, but he was a realist, he had accepted that he would die young, and now that he isn’t, he feels crazy. Bucky was the healthy one, the one full of life, he was the brightest soul Steve had ever seen, and to have him gone made him feel reckless, because if someone like Bucky is gone then what was he doing alive? He had missions throughout the day, but at night when he was alone in his too big bed, when he was left alone with his thoughts, that’s when his thoughts turned dangerous. He would be focused on his mission throughout the day and his friends, their friends, would focus and avoid mentioning Bucky for his sake, because the truth was even hearing his name was painful. He would get invited out with the commandos, but even thinking about going out exhausted him. Hearing the songs Bucky used to dance to, and not seeing him there broke him, and hearing strangers talk about the heroic fallen soldier made him want to scream.  


Steve tried to stay busy, it was the only way that he wouldn’t spiral into a what if? Hole, but sometimes luck wasn’t on his side and he was forced to have days to rest. And that’s when everything he avoided would come rushing forth. He thought about the days when Bucky and him were in their apartment, just them, secluded and they would talk about the future. A future in which Steve would gladly buy Bucky flowers, go out on walks and hold his hand in public, take him out dancing and unfortunately step on his feet. That fantasy was just that though, because the reality was Bucky was working full-time at the docks, he came home tired, their time together was limited even then. Bucky would go with him on double dates and to keep up appearances dance the night away with his date, and Steve would be left wishing he was stronger, to be a better man for Bucky because Steve couldn’t stand to see him with another person and so he would leave. Later that night, Bucky would come home with lipstick smeared on his neck, an apology on his lips and Steve would comfort him and wish he wasn’t so selfish. 

Steve always felt like he was too proud, to righteous in his thoughts and actions, he knew it caused his mother and Bucky grief, to worry about his health and his tendency to stand up for his morals. He often thought he was selfish in that way, in the way he couldn’t back down from a fight. He was always scared Bucky was gonna get tired of having to clean up his wounds, of dealing with him, but he never did and that made him selfish, because even when he knew he should push him away so Bucky wouldn’t have to be forced to stay with him, he couldn’t, because nobody ever made him want to be as selfish as Bucky did, he never wanted to keep something to himself before, only Bucky. He thought by getting the serum it would solve his problems, and it did in some way, physically, but he still felt the same. He still felt proud, righteous, and when he found Bucky again- selfish. He had him again, but as he found, Bucky wasn’t just his, Steve always had to share Bucky with the world, and war was no different. Sometimes he forgot that he wasn’t the only one who had memories of Bucky, sometimes his comrades would mention something about him and all Steve could think about for the rest of the day was the anguish he felt when Bucky’s hand didn’t reach his, his despair when he realized that he was falling, his anger when he realized he should of fallen too. Bucky’s horror haunts him, his scream as he fell resonates in his ears, and the guilt shadows his actions. It makes him more reckless, some people -Peggy- might even say suicidal, he just calls it survival.  


As he went down, he could feel his heart pounding, Peggy’s voice ringing in his ears, but the thing was he didn’t know if his heart was pounding from fear or excitement. Because as wrong as it might sound, he was happy, he would find Bucky on the other side, he would get the chance to apologize, to let him know that he thought about him every second of the day, that he could no longer give him empty promises. Because this time he would be able to give him flowers, show him affection the way Bucky always wanted. Give him kisses, hold his hand, dance with him to only songs they would hear, he would get the chance to do what he always wanted to do because they would be together again, but this time it would be forever. With that thought in mind, Steve closed his eyes and let the darkness surround him.


End file.
